The Single Ladies Guide To TMP

Coming to TMP as a single woman can be exciting, intimidating, flattering, overwhelming, or a little bit of all four at the same time.

You may have been curious about the lifestyle for a while. Maybe you have friends who swing. Maybe you’re newly single and exploring a different side of yourself. Maybe you simply want to meet open-minded people in an environment where sexuality isn’t treated like something that has to be hidden.

Whatever brought you here, there is one thing we want you to understand before anything else:

You do not owe anyone anything because you walked through the door.

Coming to TMP means you came to a party. Everything after that is your choice.

YOU CAN COME JUST TO SOCIALIZE

One of the biggest misconceptions about a swinger club is that walking through the door somehow means you’ve agreed to participate sexually.

You haven’t.

You can spend your entire night talking, laughing, dancing, playing games, meeting people and enjoying the atmosphere.

You can flirt with someone and decide you don’t want anything more.

You can be attracted to someone and still say no.

You can change your mind.

You can meet somebody you really like and decide you would rather see them another time.

There is no minimum level of participation required to have a successful night at TMP.

Sometimes the best first night is simply discovering that this environment isn’t nearly as intimidating as you imagined.

EXPECT ATTENTION

Single women tend to receive attention in lifestyle environments.

Sometimes a lot of it.

Couples may introduce themselves. Single men may want to talk to you. Women may flirt with you. People may ask what you’re interested in or whether you’re available.

That attention can be exciting.

It can also become overwhelming.

You don't have to entertain every person who approaches you.

A simple:

“Thank you, but I’m not interested.”

is enough.

You don't owe anybody an explanation.

You don't need to tell someone why they aren't your type.

You don't have to soften your answer until it sounds like a maybe.

And you shouldn't feel guilty about saying no.

BEING FRIENDLY IS NOT CONSENT

This one is important.

You are allowed to be friendly.

You can laugh with someone.

You can dance.

You can flirt.

You can accept a compliment.

You can sit beside someone.

You can even change your mind after showing interest.

None of those things automatically mean you have agreed to anything else.

At TMP, our rule is simple:

ASK BEFORE YOU TOUCH.

Attraction isn't permission.

Flirting isn't permission.

Nudity isn't permission.

Being in a swinger club isn't permission.

Consent still matters here just as much as anywhere else—and arguably more, because people should feel comfortable communicating exactly what they do and don't want.

YOU ARE NOT SOMEBODY'S “UNICORN”

You may hear the word unicorn in the lifestyle.

It usually refers to a single woman who is interested in playing with couples.

Because single women interested in couples are highly sought after, you may discover that some couples become very excited when they realize you're single.

Enjoy the attention if you like it—but remember something important:

You are still an individual person, not an accessory to somebody else's fantasy.

Don't be afraid to ask a couple questions.

What are you looking for?

Are both of you actually interested?

What are your boundaries?

Do you always play together?

Is everyone allowed to interact with everyone?

What happens if one partner becomes uncomfortable?

Healthy couples should be comfortable answering those questions.

You aren't auditioning for them.

You're deciding whether they are a good fit for you too.

TALK TO BOTH PEOPLE

If you're interested in a couple, remember that you're meeting two individuals.

Sometimes you may naturally connect more strongly with one partner.

That's okay.

But don't completely ignore the other person.

Talk.

Get to know them.

Learn their personalities and boundaries.

One of the easiest ways for jealousy or awkwardness to develop is when someone starts feeling like an obstacle standing between two people who really want each other.

If you're considering spending time with a couple, everyone should feel included in the conversation about what might happen.

DON'T LET A COUPLE'S RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS BECOME YOUR PROBLEM

Most couples who explore the lifestyle communicate well.

But occasionally you may meet people who aren't quite as prepared as they thought they were.

One partner may become jealous.

Someone may suddenly change the rules.

A disagreement may start.

If you sense tension between a couple, you are allowed to remove yourself from the situation.

Their relationship is theirs to manage.

You shouldn't have to become a referee, relationship counselor or test of whether their relationship can handle the lifestyle.

If something feels uncomfortable, step away.

SINGLE MEN ARE PEOPLE TOO

Single men sometimes get a bad reputation in lifestyle environments because a few men behave badly.

But many single guys at TMP are simply trying to meet people, make friends and enjoy the lifestyle just like everyone else.

Talk to them if you're interested.

Don't talk to them if you're not.

You don't have to avoid someone simply because he's there alone, and you certainly don't owe him anything because he was respectful enough to introduce himself.

Judge people by their behavior.

A respectful man will usually accept your boundaries without making you feel guilty about them.

WATCH HOW SOMEONE HANDLES “NO”

One of the best ways to learn about somebody is to see how they respond when they don't get what they want.

Someone who hears:

“No thank you.”

and responds:

“No problem. Have a great night.”

is showing you something important about their character.

Someone who argues, pressures, complains, repeatedly asks, becomes angry or tries to make you feel guilty is also showing you something important.

Pay attention to both.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PICK SOMEONE

Sometimes single women feel pressure because several people are showing interest.

You may start thinking:

Who am I supposed to choose?

Nobody.

You don't have to choose anyone.

You're allowed to enjoy being social without turning the night into a decision.

If chemistry naturally develops with somebody, great.

If it doesn't, you haven't wasted your night.

Lifestyle events should be about possibilities—not obligations.

DON'T LET FOMO MAKE YOUR DECISIONS

You might see people disappearing upstairs.

Someone you were talking with might connect with somebody else.

The party may suddenly seem like everyone is having an adventure except you.

That's when FOMO can start talking.

Don't let someone else's night determine yours.

There will be another party.

There will be another person.

There will be another opportunity.

It's better to leave TMP thinking:

“Maybe next time.”

than wake up thinking:

“I wish I hadn't done that.”

YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND AT ANY TIME

Maybe you thought you wanted something earlier in the night.

Now you don't.

That's enough.

You don't need a better reason.

Maybe you liked kissing someone but don't want anything beyond that.

That's fine.

Maybe you went upstairs and suddenly aren't comfortable.

You can stop.

Maybe everything seemed right and then something simply didn't feel right anymore.

Listen to yourself.

Consent isn't something you give once and lose control over.

You can change your mind.

YOUR BOUNDARIES DON'T HAVE TO MATCH ANYONE ELSE'S

Some people are extremely adventurous.

Some aren't.

Some people move quickly.

Others need to know someone first.

Some people enjoy couples.

Some prefer single partners.

Some are bisexual.

Some are straight.

Some aren't sure yet.

You don't have to match the person standing beside you.

The lifestyle isn't about seeing who can do the most.

It's about having the freedom to explore what you enjoy.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LABEL YOURSELF

You may be curious about women without knowing whether you're bisexual.

You might enjoy flirting with women but not want anything sexual.

Maybe you're attracted to couples.

Maybe you're still figuring everything out.

You don't need to arrive at TMP with a label attached to yourself.

You can simply say:

“I'm exploring.”

That's a perfectly good answer.

MAKE FRIENDS

Some of the best connections you'll make at TMP may never become sexual.

You may meet women you enjoy talking with.

Couples you enjoy hanging out with.

Someone who invites you to another lifestyle event.

People you eventually travel with.

Friends you text during the week.

That's a big part of what makes a lifestyle community different from simply meeting someone at a bar.

Don't overlook friendship because you're waiting for something sexual to happen.

ASK QUESTIONS

If you're unsure about something, ask.

Ask about the club.

Ask about the rules.

Ask someone what they meant.

Ask a couple how their boundaries work.

Ask someone what they're looking for.

Ask TMP if something makes you uncomfortable.

The people who have been around the lifestyle for years weren't born knowing how everything works.

Everybody had a first night.

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

If something feels wrong, you don't have to talk yourself into staying in the situation.

Maybe you can't even explain exactly why.

That's okay.

Step away.

Find someone else to talk to.

Come back downstairs.

Find a friend.

Talk to someone from TMP.

You don't have to prove that someone did something wrong before you're allowed to remove yourself from a situation that doesn't feel right.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT BEING “EXPERIENCED ENOUGH”

Nobody is grading you.

You don't need swinger credentials.

You don't need a certain number of experiences.

You don't need to know every lifestyle term.

And you definitely don't need to pretend you've done things you haven't.

If you're new, say you're new.

The right people will respect that and usually appreciate the honesty.

YOUR FIRST TMP NIGHT CAN BE SIMPLE

Come in.

Get comfortable.

Look around.

Meet some people.

Have conversations.

Laugh.

Flirt if you want.

Ask questions.

Maybe something exciting happens.

Maybe you simply leave with a few new friends and a much better understanding of the lifestyle.

Either one can be a great night.

ONE LAST THING FROM TMP

Being a single woman in this environment can sometimes make you feel like you're suddenly the most popular person in the building.

Enjoy that if you want to.

But remember:

Attention does not create obligation.

You aren't here to fulfill somebody else's fantasy.

You aren't responsible for making someone else's night exciting.

You aren't required to prove how adventurous or open-minded you are.

You're here to meet people, explore at your own pace and hopefully have a damn good time doing it.

Come curious.

Come confident.

Come nervous if that's where you're at.

Just come as yourself.

We'll take it from there. 😉